Ocean blue, what have I done to you?

It is one of those days whereby I'm sitting here once again, reflecting about my life and thinking about my future. Too much thinking my mind feels like it's gunna burst.

I don't know what I want to do in future. I really don't. I still remembered when I was so enthusiastic to join nursing school after my O levels and I was really really excited for it. I actually believed being a nurse is definitely the path for me. But right now, I really don't know. Sometimes it feels so right, sometimes it just seems like I went into the wrong course. It's just me fighting against my own thoughts. Do I really love this? Am I going to do this for my whole life? I'm terrified. I don't want regrets. I want to do something which I genuinely love to do, and right now there's nothing which seems to interest me.

Perhaps it's my workload? Perhaps I'm just really stressed about my wanting to achieve good grades all the time and having to compete with everyone? I don't know. But it's a fact that I'm tired, and I am very unhappy. I've never been so indecisive about my life before and now that it has struck me I need a solution. Fast.

I don't have big ambitions actually. I once did, but not anymore. I just want to spend time with my loved ones, enjoying every single moment I spend with them, having a decent job with a decent pay, having a good balance between family and work. Enjoying what I do, hobbies etc. But it seems like being a nurse cannot fulfil all the criteria. I need a balance here. I hate getting stressed. I really absolutely hate it. Everytime I get so motivated and happy, I pray I don't fall back to being negative and emotional. It's so hard to keep up these days.

No matter what, I'm going to do what I want in life, even if it takes forever to find out.